Wives and Husbands (1 Peter 3:1-7)

This sermon was preached on 29/12/2011

Although we might think that Peter has moved on to a new subject when he addresses wives and husbands, he is still dealing with the matter of submission. ‘Likewise’ refers back to the way Christians were expected to respond to every God-ordered structure in society (1 Pet. 2:13), including the state, the place of daily work and in the home. In this section, Peter deals with wives and husbands.

There is a rather surprising absent detail in this section which is that Peter does not speak to unconverted wives. He divides the men into obedient and disobedient (which is one way of distinguishing between Christians and non-Christians), but the wives he addresses in verses 1-6 and in verse 7 are regarded as believers. Perhaps the reason for focusing on wives is because some of them may have misunderstood Christian liberty and had assumed that they no longer had to show submission to unconverted husbands.

At first glance, we might deduce that Peter is hard on the wives because he takes six verses for their role and one verse for the husband’s role. Yet the reality is that he regards the role of women as very important and desires that they would live in such a way that would please God. The apostle wanted them to be effective witnesses for God in their homes, whether they were Christian homes or not (the home would be defined by the husband’s faith or lack of it).

Before we look at some aspects in more details, we should remind ourselves what submission does not mean. It does not mean that a wife ceases to think for herself (she does not lose the privileges that come to her because she had been made in the image of God), it does not mean that a wife should do what she thinks is wrong (she cannot use submission to her husband as a reason for disobeying God), it does not mean that her husband has a higher place than Jesus, it does not mean that a wife should not advise her husband on a matter (after all, she may be a lot more intelligent than him), it does not mean that a wife should suffer in silence if her husband is cruel to her, and it does not mean that a wife is inferior to her husband in the sight of God.

1. The acquiescence of a holy wife – submission to her husband

Peter begins by making what we might assume was an obvious point, that the wives should submit to their own husbands. Why would he stress this detail? I can think of two possible scenarios that may help us understand his emphasis. One is that most wives would have known other men with authority over her in the past, when she lived with her father and her brothers. It may have been difficult for her to adjust to a situation in which they no longer had authority over her. She may have tried to retain their influence over her life. If that was the case, Peter says that she should realise that because she is married the previous ties are no longer binding.

The other scenario would be more likely with a wife of an unconverted husband. She would not be able to ask him about spiritual things and would turn to others for such input, perhaps to leading men in the church. Eventually it would seem to her husband that she paid more attention to their authority than to his. She may not have meant to undermine him, but in yielding to the advice of other men she had. The safest path for a Christian wife with an unconverted husband is that she should ask for spiritual advice from other Christian women in the congregation. She should not give the impression that she has put herself under the authority of other men.

As I said, these two examples are merely scenarios, but I think we can see how they would be possible. So we can move from them and ask, ‘What was the basis for Peter’s insistence that Christian wives should obey their own husbands?’ One feature comes to mind. Marriage is a creation ordinance instituted by God for all people at the beginning and cannot be defined only as a Christian ordinance. Becoming a Christian after marriage does not minimise the relationship that existed before one of the couple was converted.

2. The aim of a holy wife with an unconverted husband (v. 2)

Peter then moves on to define what the aim of a Christian wife with an unconverted husband should be – his conversion. He says that ‘they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.’ Peter is not suggesting here that a wife should not speak to her unconverted husband about the gospel. Yet he is indicating that words by themselves will not be effective if her conduct is not appropriate.

Their apposite behaviour is described as ‘respectful and pure conduct’. It is not clear if the term ‘respectful’ refers to their attitude to their husbands or to God, although it can include both because the main reason why they would respect their husbands is out of respect to God. Purity of conduct means that their lives are free from unchaste words and actions.

This instruction by Peter raises the question as to how he knows it will be effective in winning the unconverted husbands of Christian wives. We could answer the question by merely saying that God is giving a gracious promise to such wives, which he is, and therefore it is an encouragement for holy living. Yet I like what Wayne Grudem deduces from this verse, which is that ‘the attractiveness of a wife’s submissive behaviour even to an unbelieving husband suggests that God has inscribed the rightness and beauty of role distinctions in marriage in the hearts of all mankind’ (his commentary on 1 Peter). When an unconverted husband observes the submissive behaviour of his wife, there is an inner awareness in him that her behaviour is right and he is attracted to it. This is an example of how common grace (the husband’s inner awareness) and sanctifying grace (the wife’s submission) leads to saving grace (the husband’s conversion). Such an idea sounds preposterous to contemporary thinking, but it is the way that God has chosen to work.

One implication that comes out of this requirement of godly living is whether or not the converted wife will trust God’s methods for converting her unconverted husband. It will require patience, may include disappointed hopes, and prolonged prayer. Yet such should remember that here we have one of God’s methods of influencing people in a saving way.

3. The adornment of a holy wife – inner attire (vv. 3-4)

What kind of inner spirit produces the outlook of reverence and purity that Peter commends? Peter deals with this matter by the illustration of adornment, not of the body but of the soul. In verse 3, Peter is not commanding that women should not comb their hair or not wear jewellery or nice clothes. To suggest he was makes his words absurd. Instead he is saying that even the best attention to outward appearance should not be the priority of the Christian wives he is addressing. Instead the garment that should be obvious is the attire that comes from within and not from their wardrobe. This garment is ‘the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit’. Why is it important?

First, this attitude is imperishable. There is not a noun following the adjective ‘imperishable’, so translations provide them and have words such as ‘beauty’. The problem with providing a noun is that we might focus on its meaning rather than on the meaning of the adjective. It looks to me as if Peter is saying that items of physical adornment will eventually perish whereas inner adornment is permanent. Clothes wear out, jewellery fades and hair can diminish. In contrast, when they get to heaven, Christian wives will have a gentle and quiet spirit, which is then a motivation for having it on earth.

Second, this attitude is Christlike. Jesus described himself as gentle and humble (Matt. 11:29). For a Christian who wants to look beautiful, there can nothing more attractive than being like Jesus in our hearts.

Third, the attitude is valuable – ‘in God’s sight it is very precious.’ No doubt, it is precious because it is Christlike. God will delight to look at this attire for ever (we can imagine a wife putting on a garment which her husband thinks is old and musty – God will never respond in such a way to those who are clothed with gentleness and humility). Again, the attitude is precious to God because he paid a great price for it, the death of his own Son. Jesus died in order that his people would be conformed to his image.

4. Biblical examples of holy wives – submissive Sarah (v. 5)

Peter then reminds his female readers that fashion had not changed throughout the generations as far as this item of spiritual clothing is concerned. Indeed submission arising from a gentle and quiet spirit had marked all holy women. I suppose if there is one Old Testament lady whom we might suspect was not submissive it would be Sarah. After all, did she not suggest to Abraham that he use her maid Hagar and obtain a son? And did she not later on insist that Abraham expel Hagar and her son Ishmael from the family compound? Sarah does not come across as a weak person. Nevertheless Peter chooses her as the example of feminine submissiveness and refers to her response to her husband – she called him ‘lord’.

As far as I know, there is only one occasion in the book of Genesis when Sarah calls Abraham by the title ‘lord’. It is found in Genesis 18:12, on the occasion when the Lord had come to Abraham’s tent and informed him that his wife would bear a son the following year. Sarah, who had been listening in, ‘laughed to herself, saying, “After I am worn out, and my lord is old, shall I have pleasure?”’ Often we focus on her wrong laughter and fail to notice her affectionate assessment about her husband. She calls him ‘my lord’ in her heart. Peter deduces from that example that Sarah had this attitude throughout her spiritual journey, that although there were times when she influenced her husband in a wrong way, nevertheless she still retained her respect for him.

It is also important to observe that she retained this attitude even although Abraham had twice failed her in a very public way when he was prepared to let her be a member of the harems of Pharaoh and Abimelech in order to preserve his own skin. She retained the attitude that God wanted her to have even if, at times, her husband showed that he did not deserve her respect.

I wonder if that is what Peter has in mind when he writes in verse 6 that these women will be Sarah’s children ‘if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening’. Sarah was put into situations that were frightening but does not seem to have been afraid in them. Think of some of them: she was asked by her husband to leave a good life in Ur of the Chaldees and make her way into the unknown; she had seen her nephew Lot captured by invading armies and her husband setting off to try and rescue him; she had lived for decades in an environment that was hostile to her faith; she had to wait for years before God kept his promise to give them a child. Despite all these difficulties, Peter says that she did not fear in frightening situations.

Think about the women to whom Peter was writing. It looks as if they were facing persecution for their faith in God. In addition, some of them had unconverted husbands. Only divine grace could ensure that they would live without fear. Often throughout church history women have shown that this was possible. Peter urges them to be like Sarah and voluntarily submit to their husbands even although they are living in dangerous times for those with unconverted husbands.

5. The ambition of a husband (v. 7)

We should note that Peter connects the requirements of husbands with the practice of submission (he begins with ‘likewise’). So their taking on of the role of leadership in the family is not optional; rather it is an expression of obedience to God, which means that a refusal to take it on is disobedience to his revealed will.

The way husbands show submission to God is by living with their wives in an understanding way. The term ‘understanding’ combines the necessities of knowledge and considerateness. What gives them this understanding? The answer is the Word of God meditated on prayerfully and continually. One of the details that a husband should be looking for as he reads the Bible is guidance as to how he can help his wife.

At a basic level, living with their wives indicates that husbands should be at home (rather than out with the boys) and that they should live at home in an intelligent way. Peter mentions three features that husbands should think about constantly.

First, they show honour to their wives by remembering their weakness. By weakness, Peter could be referring to physical weakness (usually a husband is stronger than his wife and he should be always ready to provide for her and protect her). He could also be referring to social weakness (at that time, the status of women as not high, but in the church and in a Christian family the wives were to be respected). Again, he could be referring to personal weaknesses that a particular wife may have (she may not have a high IQ, for example). Or Peter could be referring to her voluntary weakness in that she freely submits to her husband and he should not abuse her submission (which seems to me to be the likely option).

They show honour in several ways. The concept of honour includes praising their wives before others, commending the contributions of their wives, expecting them to do a great deal of value within their household, and many other positive activities.

Peter also reminds husbands of the spiritual equality between husbands and wives – they are heirs together of the grace of life. This could refer to the grace of sanctification or to the grace of glorification. Either and both are true, and are reminders to the husband that his wife is and will yet be greatly blessed by God. I suppose the danger being highlighted here is the danger of letting society’s values diminish spiritual blessings – in society the wife was dependant on the husband, in the spiritual life both husband and wife are dependent on God.

Peter closes his exhortation to husbands by warning them that unchristian behaviour towards their wives will result in unanswered prayers. This is a call to be careful about all things in the domestic world. His warning should cause husbands to engage in heart-searching about how they treat their wives.

The obvious, overall comment that can be made of Peter’s teaching here is that it is a call to be counter-cultural, to show to society what a God-blessed relationship is like.